


In/Between

by rhysdelamar



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Affairs, Heartbreak, POV Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:56:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5890096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhysdelamar/pseuds/rhysdelamar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Sam POV, his observation and slight meddling in the life of his brother and best friend. Things were good...until, well, until the fecal matter hit the fan. This is a standalone work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In/Between

“Sam, can I ask you a question?” Cas asked beside him in the Impala. 

“Shoot,” he smiled as they kept his eyes forward on the latest milk run for the bunker. He and Dean worked out a compromise when it comes to food at the bunker. He usually gets the healthy food he know he likes, which Cas also likes, while Dean does the bulk meat and booze, though there are items they both agree they’ll always need. The basics of bread, milk, eggs, beer and salt. Dean tried to worm in pie, but knew better to ask when he’d get a Danish or, God forbid, cake. 

“Dean and I….well, it’s been awhile since we have…umm, declared our affections to each other.” He felt Cas’s eyes on him, but he nodded to acknowledge he was following. It’s been a long while since Dean finally came to terms with the ‘bond’ he and Cas shared. For the longest time, he personally thought it was the deepest platonic bond he’s ever seen. Okay, he’s pretty sure Dean has had at least several dreams about Cas in not so platonic scenarios, if anything from the way his brother moans sometimes. Living in each other’s pockets meant that he was privy to things he really wished he never knew. 

“Yeah, almost,” he had to think for a moment, “a year?” He gave a quick glance to Cas, “wow, it’s been that long?” The concept of his ladies man of a brother in a relationship, while not new, is a rare feat. Especially since it’s with Cas. “Almost a year since you got the Mark removed from him hasn’t it? Damn…doesn’t feel like it.” Honestly it does not. With the Mark gone and the threat of the Darkness contained, no world ending mission had come to light. Hell, God himself said so.

<>

 

“Chuck?” he heard Dean asked bewildered as he looked over at the short man stopping the scythe with hand. He looked over and saw that Castiel was also there, standing the back looking bewildered. In his hands was the Book of the Damned. 

“Oh, nice to see you again,” Death said with sarcasm. “It’s been what? Two thousand years?” 

He looked at the short man with curly hair, disheveled clothes and a warm smile. Without effort, he took the weapon from Dean and handed back to Death. “Atlantis I think. And here, you might want to hang onto this.” 

“That was rather unwarranted don’t you think Dean,” Death asked with an annoyed frown. “What exactly was your goal? Smite me and hope for the best?”

“Well…yeah,” Dean confessed still looking lost before straightening up. “I mean, kill Sam? That’s the one thing I can’t do. And you,” he turned to Chuck, “what the fuck?”

“I thought you were dead,” Castiel broke in, stepping closer to the prophet. “There can only be one prophet at a time.”

“Kevin is dead, so that’s technically still true,” Chuck said before he eyed the nachos. “Oh food!” the prophet exclaimed as he scampered off to help himself. 

Getting up, he looked at Dean and then over to Cas who looked just as confused as they were. “Uh…what the hell is going on? Cas, how’d you get here? And Dean,” Dean looked at him, “seriously, kill Death?”

Shrugging, “can’t kill you Sam…I just…can’t.” Dean turned away, shame in his eyes, but relief too. 

Cas looked at them both and at Death before he glared at Dean. “Dean, what were you doing?” Cas demanded in a low growl. That’s the tone Cas uses on Dean when he’s seriously upset. Which, considering what he was about to do, he completely understands. Agrees with even. 

“He asked me to send him to an isolated world, far removed from here so he can be no threat. My condition was that he prevent Sam from undoing that.” Death supplied to the angel. “As you well know Castiel, there is nothing these two will do from being with each other. Even destroying the whole of existence.”

To his credit, Cas also glared at Death, “send Dean away? Why not remove the Mark? You certainly have the power to do so.” Inwardly, he sighed, of course Cas would hear the part about Dean going away and not the world ending part. Kudos to the angel for being loyal though. 

A scent of cheese and spice wafted over to them as Chuck came back to their little circle. “Death has the power, if he wanted to, yeah he could remove the Mark. But doing that meant unlocking the Darkness.”

Both he and Cas looked at the prophet, “the Darkness?” they asked in unison. 

“Yes, the Darkness. An amoral force from before time, chaos itself if you will. The Mark is both lock and key to its prison,” Death answered. “If the Mark is not transferred to another person, then its seal is broken and it would be free to undo all creation. It needs a host to keep the seal intact.”

“But it makes you go crazy,” Dean added. “I don’t want anyone else to suffer it. And like hell I’m releasing some big bad again, that’s why I asked Death here to send me out to Planet X or something.” Dean looked over at Chuck, “but what the fuck? How the hell are you here?”

“Death’s an old friend, I just can’t let you go all stabby on him.”

“It’s not like he could actually kill me, I am Death.”

“But she can,” Chuck said looking suddenly serious. “If the Darkness was released, what would be the first thing she would do?”

“Look for her jailors of course, or should I say jailor?” Death smirked at Chuck, “I was under the impression you were staying on the sidelines.”

“Yeah, well,” Chuck scratched his head, “I was going to until I saw what Castiel and Sam were doing with that witch. Then Dean with the scythe…yeah, that’s a whole bag of no’s thank you very much. I like this world, and I’m keen on keeping it going.”

Then it clicked in him. And looking at his brother and Cas, they all realized the same thing. “God?” he asked as Cas said ‘father’ and Dean said ‘you’re a fucking douchebag’ all at the same time. 

“Whoa there guys, take it down a notch. Yeah, it’s me.” Chuck said with a small shrug before offering an awkward smile. “And before you all get upset and questiony, I have my reasons.”

“Really? You’re going to give us the whole cryptic ‘I have reasons’ schtick?” The anger in his brother's voice was truly from him, and not from the Mark. His own, and most likely Cas’s as well were also starting to rise. Perhaps that is the reason why that he didn’t feel inclined to stop his brother from acting like an ass to the Almighty. “”Cause that’s really lame there. First you leave Michael and all those other dickheads in charge of Heaven, where they tried to blow up the planet. Then you let Eve and all sorts of shit all walk around the world, let Cas here go Frodo with the Leviathans. And you were here all this time!?!? You…you, just…fuck you!”

Chuck sighed, “look, I’m sorry but I had to abide by own rules. I helped out where I can. But…well, I’m sorry?” The meek look and small voice conveyed sincerity in his apology. He remembered what Joshua had said while they were in Heaven. God has helped them out, in his own mysterious ways. 

Cas came forward and looked at God/Chuck directly, both anger and reverence in his features. “I…Father…I’m, I’m sorry that I tried to usurp your throne.”

“What? No Cas! HE should be apologizing to us!” Dean shouted.

“I believe he already did Dean,” Cas accurately pointed out. “And who am I to disagree? I am but an angel of the Lord.” 

“He’s right Dean, and I believe Chuck…uh, God.” His brother shot him a hot glare, ignoring it, he looked at God. “But why now? Of all the times you could have intervened, why now?”

“As Death pointed out, the Darkness is the great big bad from the beginning. I and the archangels fought for millennia containing it. The almost Apocalypse? The Leviathans? They have nothing on the Darkness. Believe when I say that this is something that is way way above you. If the Darkness was let out…well, even I don’t know if it can be defeated. Especially since I am down an archangel and two a trapped in the cage.” Chuck sighed, “and I haven’t been directly involved for centuries. Letting that out, well, I don’t want to come out of retirement quite yet.”

“Retirement? Oh, I’m sorry to inconvenience you,” Dean fumed. Pointing at his arm, he looked at God in the eye, “so what are you going to do with this? Take it off me? Cause I’d like to know how to get the damned thing off without breaking the fucking universe in the process.”

Chuck scratched his head, “well, I think it was one of my bad ideas to contain the Mark on a person. I thought if there was a person to guard it, it would be safe. Didn’t know it would influence the holder. Sooo…” God looked at Death, “any ideas?”

Death arched his bony brow, “you are asking me?” God nodded. “Well, you can do what I originally suggested. Through it to the void.”

“The void?” he asked, a bit surprised he was privy to a conversation between God and Death. 

“And here I thought you were the smarter of the two Sam. What do you think the void is?” Death asked mildly tiffed. 

“Uh, nothing?”

“Precisely. It is the area beyond the reaches of universe. Desolate and empty, a place where nothing can escape.”

“And where it can thrive, and if anything can break out of there, it would be the Darkness.” God inserted. 

“Which is why you make another container to hold it. And yes, it’ll eventually break free…but not until the very end.” Death patted down his long coat, “you always want to try to make things last forever. But nothing lasts forever old friend.”

God nodded, seeming to agree, “yes, I suppose I do. But what could hold it without breaking the lock? It’ll have to be transferred to a willing vessel.” Silence descended as he left the thing to the impossibly old beings in the room. Chuck was right, this was way over their heads.

“What about my grace?” Cas spoke in a calm voice. “The Mark can be transferred to me and I can use my grace to hold it. You can then extract my grace and take it to the void.”

All of them looked at Cas in wonderment. God was the first to speak, “yes…yes, that can work.”

Dean's face twisted into something between adoration and contempt, “Cas…you seriously want to do that? Give up your grace to save me?”

Cas tilted his head like Dean had asked a stupid question. Which, he supposes it is. “It is not the first time Dean. I have done so before and I do so gladly again.” In his line of sight, and in-depth knowledge about his brother, seeing Dean’s eyes waters and his lips just quiver just so lightly, he knew how moved he was by Cas. Hell, it moved him too. The shared look between Cas and Dean after that was nothing less than intense, so much so that Death and God himself did not interrupt their moment. Not until Cas looked over at his father and asked how it will be done.

After that, it was rather anti-climatic. Dean and Cas held each other’s arms as the Mark was given over to Castiel. As it was once housed with an archangel, the Mark had no trouble finding a new home. As soon as it was transferred, God reached into Cas’s body remove his grace and the mark with it. The blinding light made him shield his eyes, while God and Death worked with the grace. After a moment, Death was gone and Chuck was speaking to Cas in low voices. 

“Are you certain this is what you want?” he heard.

“Yes,” Cas answered in a rough voice, sure in his conviction, whatever it may be. 

“Very well then,” Chuck smiled, “I am very proud of you Castiel.” He then turned to both him and Dean, “I’m going to fix the veil and make sure my Host stays where they are most useful. I think it was too much to hope that the angels would become more like you humans.” He sighed, “I believe the world has gone through enough near disasters, and might need a millennium or two to settle.” 

“So…you’re actually going to do your job?” Dean mocked.

Chuck shook his head, “in a way. I let the garden grow a little wild, and I need to…make some changes. Prune a bush, pluck a weed here and there. But,” and Chuck looked at Dean with a grin, “I think the family business will still need to be done.” With that, Chuck faded into nothing. 

For a while, he processed everything that just occurred. Dean doesn’t have the Mark. Cas doesn’t have his grace anymore. Chuck is God. And Death liked Dean’s cooking. In all, even with all the crazy shit that happens to them, this was…surprisingly demure. Apparently, there’s still things that need hunting out there, but, and he can literally feel this, but a weight had been lifted from him. From them all actually. 

“Dean?” Cas asked grabbing Dean’s attention.

“Yeah?” 

“May I stay with you, while I…readjust?”

A wide smile shined from Dean, “Cas…don’t ask stupid questions.”

<>

“Yes, it will be a year since I became human next week. It was not long after that Dean and I cons…”

“Whoa! I don’t know when you and my brother, uh…did the deed.” That’s an image that he sadly already had a reference too. He learned the hard way that he always needed to knock when he entered a closed room. “So what’s your question?”

“I have gotten the impression from various sources that it is customary to celebrate the anniversary of when a couple begins dating.” 

“Yeah, it is,” he answered, “you thinking of doing something with Dean?”

“Yes. However, I am not certain how…accepting Dean would be about celebrating it.” Cas replied in a noticeable lower, quieter voice, uncertainty lining every word. Shifting in the seat, he saw from the corner of his eye that Cas was looking out the window. “Dean does not like to…discuss our…”

“Relationship? Yeah, that sounds like Dean. He has an aversion about talking about feelings. Calls them-”

“His ‘chick flick moments’, yes, I am aware. Though I have told them that term is misogynistic.”

He chuckled, “ it is but that’s Dean for you. Regardless, we both know my brother sucks about talking about his feelings. Dean's always been more about…physically expressing himself.” He checked the mirrors, an excuse to look over at Cas for a brief moment. The ex-angel still was looking out the window and an aura of doubt surrounded him. This was not a good sign, “umm…Cas? I know that you and Dean have been…uh, intimate for a while, but has Dean ever said that you two were…dating?”

Sighing, he saw from the corner of his eye Cas turning to look at the dashboard. “Not directly. But…when we are together, he does profess his love for me. How I am his angel. And he has not been with anyone else since he has been with me.” Shifting a bit in the seat, Cas paused before beginning again, “I did ask him once if we were courting one another, at which Dean scoffed at…but did not deny. Instead, he sidestepped the question, asking ‘what do you think?’.”

Ah, hence the apprehension about celebrating an anniversary he understood. Watching Cas and Dean engage in intense eye staring over the years, he’s never doubted the bond between them. Of course, when they do act on it, it would be Dean that would reject the notion of ‘dating’ Cas being called for what it was. Rather, when Cas and Dean did go out, it was just ‘hanging out’ or ‘introducing Cas to this’ type of deal. Dean would never say they were going on a date. Or worse, when his brother was horny and not so subtly tell him to get lost while he and Cas ‘researched’. Back the matter on hand though, he knew that Cas preferred to be told directly a yes or no. “So, what did you say?”

“I said that given our activities together and continued sexual encounters, that yes, I would say we are dating.” 

“And what did Dean say?”

“He said, ‘well there’s your answer.”

But of course Dean wouldn’t say it himself, instead leaving it to Cas to say it for them. “I think that’s as close to a yes you’re going to get from him.” He slowed to the coming red light, again looking over at Cas to see how the ex-angel was doing.

“I surmised as much. Hence my need for your advice Sam. Do you think Dean would appreciate a celebration of our anniversary?”

“To be honest, I think he would. As long as it was small and nothing showy. Something on his level that he’s comfortable with.” The light was red still so he looked directly as Cas, who turned to him also. “But it’s also going to be close to the anniversary of you the Mark. If anything, you can try to, uh, commemorate that instead, if the dating thing is going to be too forward for Dean.”

“So what would you suggest?” The hint of hope and relief colored Cas’s question.

The light turned green so he looked forward again, “a dinner is a safe bet…Dean always loves good food. Maybe a small gift? I got Jess one when we got to one year. Just a necklace. Maybe…well, Dean doesn’t wear jewelry.” He could already hear from Dean how he was not the girl in the relationship, which frankly, was insulting and outmoded. “You know, Dean and I suck at gifts. We always got stupid crap usually. Though, if it comes from you, I’m sure just about anything would be great.”

Cas made a small sound of acknowledgment, “yes, that seems to be the best course of action. Barring a hunt, I think a dinner and a gift would be a good idea.” The tone of happiness was infectious and he couldn’t help but smile as he pulled into the parking lot. 

<>

“I do know how to make coffee Dean, I did it for months while I worked at the Gas N Sip,” he heard Cas say from the kitchen. Judging by the tone, he and Dean were, once again, arguing. It’s only been a couple of weeks since Cas came to live with them. His returns from his morning jog now end up him playing referee between Cas and his brother. 

“I don’t know what the hell this is, but it ain’t coffee Cas!” A cup was slammed hard on the metal table. “It’s too weak to be real coffee.”

“That concoction you call coffee is not real coffee Dean, it’s nothing but burnt, overcooked caffeine.” The low tone from Cas spoke volumes of his irritation. 

“That’s the whole point of coffee Cas! To get caffeinated! How do you think us humans can make a fourteen hour drive in one go?”

“There are pills for that Dean. The point of coffee is to provide enjoyment, after of which it is, at best, a mild stimulant. Has it ever occurred to you that no else drinks the coffee you make?”

“What? Sam drinks my coffee!” At this, he chuckled to himself because Cas is going to win this argument. 

“He, in fact, does not.”

“Of course he does! The café is always empty when I make coffee in the morning.”

“Because he dumps it when you’re not looking and drinks juice or water instead when he come back from his run. He said, and I quote, ‘Dean’s coffee will keep you awake an entire day and he always burns it’.” He could imagine the quote marks Cas is making with his hands. “He also said that instant coffee is not supposed to be used in the percolator.”

A small period of silence told him that Dean had been taken aback. It’s shameful to admit, but Cas is right. He’s never had the heart to tell Dean that he never liked his coffee. He made it like their father, burnt and way too strong. But since they have had few opportunities to make their own food and drink, he always indulged Dean. Whose cooking skills are phenomenal…except for coffee. 

As he sighed in the hallway, he went over the past couple of weeks. After Cas gave up his grace and they returned to the bunker, Dean went out of his way to make Cas comfortable. First he and Cas toured the bunker to select a room, which he did. The one just down the hall from Dean of course. The first days of arguing started when Cas began to disagree with Dean on, well, about everything. From what is good to eat, tv shows, when they should resume hunting, to what Cas can and can’t do. And every passing day it got worse and worse. 

Steeling himself, he entered the kitchen where both Dean and Cas looked up at him. Immediately he saw that each of them wanted him to support him. Dean looked hurt at what he perceived had to be a lie from Cas, whereas Cas looked at him to affirmation. “You like my coffee right Sammy?” Dean asked with a hint of pleading.

God, he hated being in the middle. He looked at Cas then Dean as he scratched the back of his head and lowered his head. “Um…well, it’s strong,” Dean looked triumphant, before he went on, “but you do, well, let it burn.” That look fell from his brother as Cas smirked in his vindication. “But it’s not a bad thing,” he said, attempting to soften the blow to Dean’s ego. “I…like you’re cooking! No one can cook as good as my big brother.” He glanced quickly at Cas, hoping he got the message to assist him. 

Cas’s eyebrows went up and then he made ah-ha face. “Ah…yes. You do cook better than Sam and I.”

Dean eyed them both, but he can see that their small effort to make him feel better worked because a cocky grin grew across Dean’s face. “Well, I do slave to cook good food for you both. I mean, if it was up to Sam, it’d be all green food and organic crap…and you,” he pointed to Cas, “are not allowed to cook anytime soon.” 

Cas scrunched up his face, “I was attempting to show you that I can take care of myself Dean.”

“Show me that you can take care of yourself why? You planning on leaving us anytime soon Castiel?” He and Cas cringed at Dean’s use of his full name. Maybe he can grab a bottle of water and let these two hash it out on their terms. 

“Sam thought it would be a good idea that I had more lessons in self sufficiency Dean.” And there went his escape. 

Dean arched an eyebrow at him, “do you Sam? You think that Cas needs lessons on flying the coop? Cause I’d say that he was pretty good about it last time.”

Before he could answer, Cas answered. “I did not ‘fly the coop’ last time Dean. Last I recalled, you told me to leave and didn’t trust me enough to tell me why.” Ouch, a true but low blow from Cas. Cas never saw how torn up Dean was afterwards. 

And from the look on Dean, that hurt him. “You know why I did that Cas. To protect Sam.”

“Yes, I know. But I could’ve helped you Dean.”

“Doing what? Hooking up with reapers and doing your own thing without telling us? Cause that worked out so well last time Cas!”

The fire in Cas’s eyes were light again, and he had a sinking feeling this was not going to be pretty. “Everything I have done was to protect you Dean. I did not ask for you to come find me because I knew there was a chance I was being followed. An assumption that happened to turn out correct I might add. And that reaper was able to seduce me because I…” Cas flushed, “never knew how, pleasurable some of the things were…or, um, imagined them to be. No one had ever treated or touched me like that before.” 

“So going down on you is all it takes for you to let your guard down? Bat some lashes and lick my lips and you’re mine?” Dean shook his head, “I’d had hoped you knew better than that Cas.”

“It is not like you set a good example Dean. You do happen to sleep with a high number of women who show you interest in sex.”

Dean waved his arms up, “but I know better than to actually accept all of them. And I know about protection too!”

“You never mentioned anything about protection when we went to that brothel.” He looked at Dean, who was paying no attention to him, of how he could be so crude to take an angel to a brothel. Apparently, his brother is.

“Cause they do it for you! They make damn sure you’re wrapped up before they doing anything. But that’s beside the point! Everytime you fly out from me you do something stupid. Like get captured or unleash some new bad…it’s better to keep an eye out on you.”

“I am not some pet you need to keep track of Dean,” growled Cas. “I am, was, an angel of the Lord. A warrior of heaven long before humans invented fire. I can take care of myself. I lived a quiet life in Idaho, albeit for a small time, but I was making it work.”

“Yeah really….cause living in the back of the gas station is getting by.”

“I was saving up for an apartment Dean.”

“You should’ve told me Cas! I could have helped you!”

“I don’t always need or want your help Dean.”

“Why not!?!?” Dean nearly yelled.

“Because I am not some baby in a trenchcoat!” Cas answered forcefully back. 

Time to step in, “okay guys…I think you just need to take a moment to calm down-”

“I am perfectly calm,” Cas lied in a cold voice. “Dean is overreacting as usual.”

“Me? Overreact?” Dean mocked, “is that what I do when my angel decides he needs to show that he can take care of himself when he really can’t?” 

“Enough!” he shouted, causing his brother and friend to look at him. “It’s been like this for weeks. You two need a break from each other or go to couples counseling, I don’t care which.”

“We’re,” Dean pointed at him and Cas, “are NOT a couple. For chrissakes Sam, where’d you get that stupid idea? Like I’d be attracted to Cas? Seriously?” They both looked at Cas, whose eyes were now dimmed and…sad. His brother is really dense and emotionally constipated. “Aww…c’mon Cas, it’s not like that.”

He just shook his head as Cas walked away while Dean cursed under his breath.

The rest of the day had a heavy air about it, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Dean had also pointedly hidden himself in his room, probably to drink that bottle of whiskey he spied his brother taking from the pantry. Cas came out of his own room in search of food, but only after checking to see if the coast was clear of Dean. He himself had taken to one of the small numerous storage rooms to catalog what he could. And to hopefully hide out from the next blow up between Cas and Dean. 

In hindsight, he sees it might not have been a great idea to keep Cas here. Not that he regrets it, but Cas has never spent no more than a couple of days with them in close quarters. He’s always been on the go or had the ability to fly out whenever he wanted. Now he’s grounded and basically stuck here with them. Dean, while well-meaning, may have been a bit of a mother hen when Cas first came to live here. Now the result is this tug of war between his brother and Cas. All on top of their complicated relationship with each other, which is a beast all on its own prior to this. 

He and Cas had always had a good relationship and he considers the ex-angel family. Sure, Cas has done some pretty shitty things to him, but he has always forgiven him. Hell, he still feels guilty to doubting Cas back when he was working with Crowley, even though he was right. Yet, that night when Cas confessed, he was pissed, but Dean…Dean was heartbroken. He’d never seen Dean so broken up as when Cas confessed to fooling them. The following morning, he and Bobby didn’t say anything about the red rimmed eyes, dried tear tracks and the dozen broken cars in the salvage yard. 

Over the years, he knows his brother always gets down when the angel flies off or is missing. Purgatory was awkward between him and Dean, but Dean just shot down any conversation about Cas. Now he knows that Dean was again broken up, guiltily believing that he left Cas behind. Just like he was again after Cas flew off with the angel tablet. So yeah, Dean is used to having Cas not around he doesn’t know what to do when he is around. 

Speaking of, he should probably check on them both. Before he went on his run, he was researching a possible case in Louisiana. Maybe a change of scenery might do them all some good. Brushing off the dust from his flannel shirt, he made his way over to Cas’s room first. Knocking gently on the door, he waited for Cas to say it was okay to come in. Instead, he heard a crash and the rustling of clothes. “You okay there Cas?” he called through the door. Waiting a few seconds, he opened the door to make sure everything was fine. What he saw surprised him. An old leather suitcase was on the floor, clothes all around and Cas looking guilty with a shirts over his arms. 

“I…it’s,” Cas looked everywhere but at him, his voice small and guilty, “I was packing.”

Nodding, he was at a loss on that to say for a moment. Clearing his throat, he tried a smile at Cas, “well, that’s a good thing that you’re packing. There’s a hunt in Louisiana, mysterious deaths in a bayou.”

Cas sighed and leaned down to right the old suitcase. He must’ve found it in the bunker given the style of the baggage. “Thank you Sam, but you and I both know why I’m packing.” Picking it up, he put the case on the bed and began to refold. Then he noticed the half empty bottle of vodka on Cas’s nightstand. Great, now Cas is also drinking to cope, something he picked from his brother. 

He walked over past Cas and lifted the bottle, “been drinking Cas?” Through squinting eyes, Cas looked at him and then at the bottle. He couldn’t quite mask the accusatory tone, but the mixed feeling of anger and disappointment were rising up in him.  

“Yes,” the ex-angel admitted, the wobble in his step evident as he sat down on the bed. “I am not accustomed to living like this Sam. When I was on my own…it was different.”

“Living on your own is, yeah, I get that. I lived on my own a couple of times too.” Pushing the suitcase back a bit, he sat himself next to Cas. “And I’ve also ran away as well.” He hoped that he can get Cas to talk about whatever is bothering him, so much so that he’s considering moving out.

“This is not like when Metatron took my grace. That was against my will and had had unintended consequences of which I tried to amend. I was forced to live on the run and in the streets. When D-…when I was asked to leave, I survived on my own as well. Now, I…just seem to not cope at all.” The rise of anger in his voice was telling him that he was frustrated at that as well. “It should be easier Sam. You both have given me a place to live, food to eat…by all accounts; this should be easier to adjust to than before.”

“I don’t want to leave Sam, I really don’t…but I’m not…I…it’s just hard and I don’t know why! I think it might be easier if I went on my own. All I had to worry about was where to find food and shelter. Find a way to fix my mistakes. I don’t have that now.” Blue eyes looked up at him, confused and hurt, “I know how to survive out there. But I want to stay here but at the same time, I feel like I can’t.”

To him, this sounds similar to when he and Dean were not in speaking terms last year. He wanted to get out the bunker, let Dean swallow in his mess, let himself try to find something other than hunting to occupy his time. But he couldn’t, because Dean had the Mark and they had a job to do. Hmm, maybe some space wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Cas is just feeling listless, not having a clear purpose or mission. He and Cas should be able to handle a hunt on their own. They work pretty good as a team when they were helping Dean get rid of the Mark. “Tell you what Cas, you and I should go on a hunt. Just you and me. Does that sound okay?”

Tilting his head, Cas looked confused, “is it not better to include Dean? We are more effective when all three of us are there.”

“Um…usually yeah, we are. But I think you and I should do this. Let Dean...have some alone time.”

“Alone time?”

“Yeah! Sometimes we all need a little alone time, just to ourselves to relax. I go out whenever I want to get away from my brother and have a little breathing room to myself. I think that’s what you and Dean need right now.” He patted Cas on the back, “c’mon, it would do you both some good.”

<>

“Damn, I’m sorry Cas but there’s a possible werewolf case up in Iowa and the next full moon is next week.” He had really hoped it would be quiet for a while, to allow Cas and Dean a chance to have a normal anniversary. However, this case had already claimed a hunter and when shit goes down, it’s time to call the Winchesters. “I think all of us need to take care of this one.”

Looking over his tablet, Cas smiled “it’s alright Sam. I think this might be for the better. Lebanon had a limited selection on fine dining. This might prove to be fortuitous. Where is the case?”

“It’s still in the boonies, but there’s a decent small city not far.” He smiled, “you’re right, this might be even better. You can even get a room for you two.” One hopefully from the far away from him. Who knew an angel could be very vocal? “And better still, Dean wouldn’t know anything!”

“My thoughts precisely,” Cas grinned, pleased at himself. At this point Dean sauntered in with coffee for him and Cas. “Is that coffee,” Cas asked warily tracking the cup. 

Dean placed it in front of Cas, “yes, and before you ask, yes, I did make it the correct way. I even ground the damn beans and measured them.” Not believing him, Cas took a sip. As a pleased sigh escaped from him, Dean snickered, “see, I can make coffee.”

“And you didn’t bring me a cup?” he whined. 

“I only have two hands and I am not touching that damn juicer of yours. Make your own god damned soylent green crap.” Fair point, he wouldn’t want his brother touching his juicer. “So, we got a case?”

“Yeah, in Iowa. Remember Littlefield?”

“Short guy, red beard?”

He nodded, “apparently he was on a hunt for a werewolf. Turned up dead yesterday morning, Ross called to see if we can take it down. Full moon is next week.”

“Shit,” Dean sighed as he blew on his coffee. “Well, I guess we’re on the case.”

“I’ll go get packed. Dean, make sure you take your nice fed suit and the green tie,” Cas ordered at Dean who arched an eyebrow at him. 

“Sure thing mom,” Dean replied as Cas left the library before turning to him. “What’s with that? Cas never cares what I wear.”

“Did it occur to you to ask him?” Dean glared at him. Little brothers prerogative to be a pest when he can. 

“He doesn’t care,” then Dean smirked, “besides it’s more fun when I’m not wearing clothes.”

That horrible image of Cas and Dean in the storage room came back to him. “Dude…gross.” 

<>

The hunt in Louisiana was exhausting and long, but he and Cas were able to take down a pair of werewolves. It was plain to see that Cas was nowhere near a good shot like he and Dean are, but he still has enhanced reflexes. Taking down a werewolf in hand to hand combat has, to his knowledge, had never been done. Yet, there was Cas, standing over slumped werewolf with his bloody blade in hand, in triumph and with only a few wounds. 

After burning the bodies and gunning out of town, they stopped in a nondescript town in Arkansas. He was too tired to drive on and Cas was no better shape than he, so he pulled into cheap motel.  Cas looked up from his phone, “are we stopping Sam?”

“I’m bushed and I really want to take a shower. I feel like I smell like wet dog.” He turned the engine off and stifled a yawn. “Who are you talking to?”

“Dean. I’m just letting him know how the hunt went.” Cas turned off the screen and opened the door, with him following suit. Once outside, Cas went on, “he kept on messaging me to ‘check in’ every other hour.”

As he opened the trunk, he wondered why Dean was messaging Cas and not him. His brother was not exactly happy they were going on a hunt without him. Another possibly hunt in the opposite direction was a god-send, though it ended up a bust. At least that was the message he got from Dean two days ago. “How long you been checking in,” he asked out of curiosity. 

“Ever since we left Kansas.” 

“Huh,” was all he said as he grabbed his bag. Dean had only contacted him twice this whole hunt. Interesting. “Tell him we’re stopping overnight, we’ll see him tomorrow.”

Whipping his phone out, Cas typed out the message and then pocketed the phone. Now that Cas had adapted to the smartphone, he was always on it. Checking the news and playing games…and apparently, texting his brother. Once Cas had taken his bag, he went to the office, got a room and headed to what he expected was a cramped and not so clean room. He was not disappointed. Cas plopped on a bed and turned on the television as he headed directly to the restroom. 

Stripping off his clothes that still stunk of wet dog and dried blood, he stepped into the lime green linoleum shower. As the steam relaxed his aching muscles, he wondered about this new revelation. So Dean had been keeping tabs on them, or rather, on Cas this whole trip. It only affirmed his theory that Dean is far more comfortable in dealing with Cas when there is distance between them. Keeping them cooped up for weeks together isn’t that great of an idea.

Refreshed from the shower, he left the steaming bathroom to see Cas exactly where he saw him last. “Bathroom’s all yours,” he motioned to the open door as Cas looked up. “I’m hungry, want anything in particular?”

As he gathered his toiletries, Cas stopped and thought for a moment, “I would like to try something new.”  In Louisiana, he had introduced Cas to creole and Cajun cooking. Now he was eager to try all sorts of food that he had never tasted. 

“I’ll see what they have around,” he offered as he grabbed his phone. Hearing the door close, he found a well rated Asian restaurant that delivers. Calling them, he ordered chow mein, almond chicken, sweet and sour pork, egg drop soup, rice and egg rolls. Midwest American is not exactly bursting with ‘exotic’ cuisines, though good food is always nearby. Right now though, some Chinese food seems like a very good idea. 

On the nightstand between the beds, he heard a phone vibrate. Looking over, he saw that Cas had left his phone there. For a moment, he thought that he should leave it be, give Cas some privacy. On the other hand, he was curious to see who it was, though he suspected he already knew. Curiosity won out. 

Dean: Don’t take forever, Sam gets upset if you take too long. Take too long on what, he wondered. In the back of his mind, he heard a voice to say he should stop. Yet…he was already had the phone in hand, might as well see what those two have been talking about. Pausing to see if the shower was still going, he scrolled to the first message. 

Dean<9:27am>: I’m sorry you’re gonna be stuck in a car with Sam. 

Cas<9:29am>: Why? Sam is an excellent driver and I enjoy his company.

Dean<9:41am>:You say that now, but his taste in music sucks and don’t, for the love of God, let him eat a burrito.

Dean<1:54pm>: Where are you?

Cas<1:57pm>: The sign said we are passing Broken Arrow in Oklahoma. Where are you?

Dean<2:09pm>: The ass end of Nebraska. You good?

Cas<2:11pm>: Yes. I am good. 

Cas<2:15pm>: Are you good?

Dean<2:16pm>: I’m good. Just eating a burger. Remind me to not to come back to Donny’s Burger. It sucks. 

Cas<2:20pm>: Do you eat anything else than burgers when driving?

Dean<2:24pm>: Of course I do Cas! There’s pizza and tacos and fried chicken. If you want that organic green crap, it's Sam’s stuff.

Cas<2:26pm>: I want to maintain my body and Sam does have a healthier diet than you. I have not had fried chicken though. 

Dean<2:27pm>:I’ll make you some when you get back home. And mashed potatoes with gravy.

Cas<2:35pm>:I told Sam I am hungry. You made me hungry Dean.

Dean<2:36pm>:Don’t let him eat anything with beans. You’ll regret it. He smiled at himself, not it made sense why Cas all of a sudden asked if there was food nearby on the drive down. Usually he or Dean would have to remind Cas that he needed to eat. 

He skimmed the messages since they were more of the same friendly banter that he remembered those two had. Dean always enjoyed showing Cas the minute nuances of the human race, being both irritated and gleeful when he did so. And Cas for his part, after tilting his head and scrunching his nose, would ‘play’ along. Looking back at the phone, he read the last dozen messages from today.

Cas<5:56pm>: We are stopping at a motel for the evening. Sam is tired and I am as well. The hunt was exhausting. 

Dean<5:57pm>: You guys alright? Sam doesn’t ever tell me if he’s hurt.

Cas<5:59pm>: Minor wounds, one of the werewolves left a shallow laceration on my chest. 

Cas<6:00pm>: In hindsight, I should not have worn my favorite blue t-shirt. 

Dean<6:02pm>: The one with the air force wings on it? Aw man, I liked that one on you.

Dean<6:02pm>: But you’re alright?

Cas<6:16pm>: I am fine, some butterfly bandages were sufficient. Now I am just watching TV in the room.

Dean<6:18pm>: No porn this time Cas.

Cas<6:20pm>: I know better to watch porn now Dean since you told me I should only do so when I intend to masturbate. 

Dean<6:25pm>: Do you?

Cas<6:28pm>: Do I what?

Dean<6:30pm>: Masturbate?

Dean<6:30pm>: Cause that’s completely natural and you don’t have to answer. It’s none of my business.

Cas<6:31pm>: I do, and I do not require pornography. 

Dean<6:34pm>: Oh. Got your own spankbank in your mind already Cas? See, you’re doing okay being human. 

Cas<6:35pm>: What is a spankbank?

Dean<6:38>: well, it’s what dudes use to get things going. In your mind. Like, supermodels or busty ladies. 

Cas<6:40pm>: So a spankbank is an internal visualization of sexual stimulating images meant to excite oneself then?

Dean<6:42pm>: Gotta make everything clinical don’t ya Cas. But yeah. 

Cas<6:43pm>: I see. I might utilize my spank bank once Sam is done in the shower. It is a means of relaxing oneself. 

Dean<6:45pm>: Don’t take forever, Sam gets upset if you take too long.

He blushed before he looked over at the still closed door to the bathroom. Knowing what Cas was doing made him feel like a peeping tom. Putting the phone back where he found it, his hypothesis earlier now vindicated. Dean and Cas do work better when there is some distance from each other. It’s little weird that Dean is giving Cas pointers on masturbating, but he had to do the same with him. Having your seventeen year old brother explain the birds and the bees wasn’t fun for either of them. 

The real question now was how to translate that ease those two had between them when they are not with each other to when they are with each other. It’s possible, he knew it is, but how?  How does one close that gap between them and not have it end up in an argument. To him, it’s like they are acting like kids in high school with a crush. Peripherally they know the other person is there somewhere in building, but if they are in the same class, they act like the other person is not there. Like the act of not noticing them or being rude to them will cause them to not see you while you secretly crush on them. It’s a paradoxical approach that never seems to work. 

A crush. If there was a light bulb to suddenly turn on above his head, it would have shown as a supernova. Dean, and Cas for that matter, have a crush on each other. Well, he figured Cas was more attached to Dean more than himself, which is something he doesn’t mind. Cas is a great friend and ally, but there’s no mistaking it, Cas favored Dean more. He knows Dean always place him at the top of his list, always had thanks to their dad, but Cas comes a close second. No one other than himself (sadly) can wound Dean more than Cas can. 

Retrospectively, this new realization does make more sense to him. Cas and Dean were bickering like an old married couple minus the married part. They previous betrayals and sacrifices still hang over them and neither one has learned to move past it. So they both took the easy road. They ignored it, while he just gets caught in their crossfire. 

Knock knock. Ah, the food. Getting up, he opened the door to a pimply teen holding a large paper. His stomach growling in anticipation, he handed the kid the money, gave a generous tip and set the food down on the table. As he was pulling out the chicken, Cas came sauntering out of the bathroom, looking relaxed (and a brief reminder as to why crossed his mind) and refreshed. He turned as Cas changed into his sleeping clothes. He also heard Cas typing into his phone. 

“Chinese food?”

“Yeah, tried it yet,” he asked as he sat down at the table. As Cas took a step toward him, his phone went off and paused to read and reply. “Dean?” he asked fully knowing the answer. 

“Yes. I told him we are about to eat.” Another beep came through as Cas sat himself at the small table. Again the ex-angel read and replied, a small smile on his face. “Did you get egg rolls? Dean says no Chinese meal is complete without egg rolls.”

In response, he opened the container holding the egg roll. “Tell Dean that yes, I did. You know the only reason why he likes them is because they are deep fried.”

“Really?” Cas asked as he reached over and took one. The eggroll was smaller than what he is normally used to, but hey, it’s food. Cas looked at the food for a moment before making a pleased face. “I like the crispy outside, but inside it is full of vegetables.” Cas looked at him, “best of both worlds for you and Dean.”

“It’s better with some sauce, here.” He opened the small sauce containers. “And it’s one of the few ways Dean will eat anything green. Just have to deep fry it first.” He pointed to the containers, “I got chow mein, almond chicken, sweet and sour pork, egg drop soup…uh, here’s some rice too. Help yourself.” And Cas did, sampling all of them, but claimed all the soup to himself once he tried that. Apparently Cas loves soup. 

As their meal was drawing to a close, Cas looked again at his phone. Again a small smile was drawn on his face as he replied. “What does Dean say?” he asked. 

“He is having something called katsu chicken. He sent me a picture of it. He is also having dinner.”

Oh so cute! “That’s nice. Again though, deep fried.”

“I notice Dean like fatty foods. Hamburgers, fried…everything it seems, pizza…they are not nutritious are they?”

“God no! I worry about that. Hunting keeps you fit, but…well, Dean doesn’t maintain being fit when he’s not in a hunt.”

“No, he does not. His muscles and stomach are not as firm as yours. You do maintain yourself at a higher level. I,” Cas paused, a worried look on his face, “I was wondering if I can join you in your runs Sam.

The question on how Cas knew Dean was not as, er…firm, as he was or he knew he was firmer than his brother came to mind. “Uh…yeah, sure. No problem.”

“Thank you. Jimmy was a runner, but his, I mean my, physique is not as muscular as yours. I aim to maintain my body as best I can.”

“That’s a good idea. Hunting can keep you fit, but it takes dedication Cas.” He poked at the last piece of pork, “so…you want to get more muscular?”

“No. Dean says you work out too much to impress women since you lack in” Cas lifted his arms, “’other areas’” He is going to murder his brother, but Cas went on, “but I know for a fact that you are, in fact, not lacking in an area at all.” With that, Cas lifted his plate to shovel in the last of the chow mein. 

“Wait…how….huh?” was all he was able to mumble out. How the hell does Cas know stuff like this? Was he a pervy angel watching…maybe touching…him and Dean back in the day? “You weren’t peeping on us when you had your mojo did you Cas?”

To his credit, Cas finished chewing before placing the plate down. “I must admit, there were times I did observe you and Dean whilst I was invisible.” Cas looked at him with sincerity though, “by I assure you, not while either one of you were engaged in coitus or masturbating. Well,” a blush again, “except for that one time Dean called me.”

Hold on here. “Called you?”

Cas nodded, “yes, he called me while he was masturbating once and I flew to him.”

Oh god. He can imagine the horror on Dean’s face as Cas just popping in on him jerking off. Wait. “He called you? While…”he motioned with his hands, hoping Cas got the point. 

“Oh yes, he was near orgasm before I interrupted him. Dean made me leave immediately though. It was rather an odd encounter. Dean said to never speak of it again to him.”

Huh, that might explain why Dean is now pretty open discussing masturbation with Cas. Cas had caught him red handed. Another light bulb went off. Dean was jacking off to Cas. Gross, but now makes total sense! And a great big ass clue! His brother definitely has the hots for Cas if he’s using him in his own spankbank. Hmmm, how to probe this more. Thankfully Cas is way more forthcoming than Dean is. “Does it bother you that Dean was thinking of you in his spankbank?”

Amazingly, Cas answered immediately. “Not at all. I think of him sometimes when I…relax myself.” At this point, Cas did blush. “I am sorry, I am oversharing.” 

“Hey,” he smiled as he leaned back, showing he is relaxed (but not really), “it’s fine. I mean, yeah, a little TMI there, but that’s okay. I mean, every guy jacks off. No big deal. Whatever gets you going is your business.” Way too much TMI, but helpful. Somehow.

Cas poked at the left over the food as he nodded, obviously thinking about something. Worry was written all over his face now. Maybe he’s realizing that he did overshare things with him that he didn’t really need to know. Perhaps…it’s a chance, but one that might be worth the risk. If Cas has romantic feelings for his brother, then admitting them might be a way to defuse some of those tense moments in the future. Having someone to talk to vent can be good, and if being candid is a path to Cas staying with them long term…

Long term to what though? If he asks Cas that he does want to be with Dean, then great. But what then? Knowing his brother, he’d probably go all macho and deny Cas a relationship. Painful, but it’s better to deal with unrequited love that way than pining forever. But that would probably lead to Cas leaving the Bunker, which Dean would forever hate himself cause he would (accurately) blame himself. 

Or…he can let this be, and let Cas and Dean go on like this. If he was in Dean’s shoes, this is the better option. But again, is it fair to Cas? In the end, Cas might leave the bunker anyway even if Dean knew or not that Cas was in love with him. Dammit, it’s a no-win. 

Unless…unless Dean is okay with it. But that’s not like his brother. Dean would probably make a joke out of it, trying to avoid the issue. His super-macho brother, who doesn’t have a problem with gay people, does have an issue when people think he is gay. Dean Winchester is a ladies man through and through, and this….well, all of this is a whole big mess that’s going to explode one day. 

Either way, he’s going to be the one in the middle, whether he likes it or not. “So Cas…” Cas looked up, “you’re…uh, in love with Dean?”

He already had fair skin, but somehow, Cas got pale. “I…don’t know what you talking about.”

All or nothing Winchester. “You know, like you’d want to have a relationship with my brother. Be with him.”

“I already have a relationship with Dean Sam.” He could see Cas already building up a wall of denial. 

“I mean a romantic relationship Cas.” He lowered his voice, “I know you love Dean.” Cas looked away, not wanting his face to betray the truth they both knew. “And that’s okay. I’m cool with you liking guys-”

“It’s not other guys…or women either Sam. I am…” Cas stammered, still looking away.

“You’re just attracted to Dean, that’s it, is it not?”

Cas got up, still not looking back and stood for a moment. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all. Pushing Cas to admit something was like pulling teeth sometimes. He’s as stubborn, well, as a Winchester. 

Finally, Cas spoke, still looking away. “Don’t tell him please,” in a whisper fraught with pain. 

Blaming himself, he got up and placed a reassuring hand on Cas’s shoulder. “I won’t. But Cas,” he turned the ex-angel around to face him, “I care about you too. And I am sorry that I am putting you on the spot. But seriously man, until we left for this hunt, you and Dean were arguing every day. At first I thought Dean is just being an ass. But that’s before I realized,” he used his free hand to lift Cas’s chin up, “that Dean loves you too.”

For a moment, Cas looked at him with sad eyes. Ones that would break any heart if one were to ever see them. Blue eyes such as his were not to be dimmed. “Not in that way Sam. Not in a way that I know realize is all but impossible.” Breaking free of him, Cas went to his bed. “I have committed too many sins, unforgivable ones, to him and you. I have betrayed him, ignored him, misled him…I do not deserve Dean Winchester, even if he wanted me.”

“C’mon Cas, you can’t know that? You also gave up everything for him.” Oh god, the self-pity was strong in Cas. Wonder who he learned that from?

 

“I did that out of unconditional love Sam. It doesn’t excuse or erase my previous mistakes.”

Change of tactics. “Well, Dean finds you attractive right? If you was thinking of you.”

Cas shrugged, “if he wanted physical gratification, all he need do is ask. But Dean would never ask that. You and I both know that. Dean may find me, or other men attractive, but he would never engage in sexual relations with one of the same gender as he.”

“Well, maybe you’d be an exception?”

“I doubt it,” Cas said bitterly. “Besides, Dean can have any woman he wants. Even now Dean is flirting with a woman at a diner, whom he will probably have sex with later tonight. That is his pattern and behavior.” Now sitting on the bed Cas went on, “after he asked me to wipe Lisa and Ben’s memory of him, he let me know that he is done with relationships. They’re too painful and can be used against him. He vowed to never be in another one.” 

Wow, he didn’t know that. That left him speechless. Since Lisa, Dean hasn’t even attempted to be in a romantic relationship. Charlie was the closest he got with a female in years. At first it was because those two got along so well, but now…now he sees that Dean was safe to form a relationship with her, but not a romantic one. “So you’re not going to even try Cas?”

“Try to court Dean? No.” Cas told him as he sat next to him on the bed. “That is why I was packing Sam. I realize the futility of it. Either way, it would not work.”

“So you’re planning on leaving the bunker still?”

“Yes. I think it is for the best.” Cas sighed, “but thank you Sam.”

“For what?”

“It is a relief to say to someone that I am in love with Dean. I did not know how you would react if I were to tell you, considering your close bond with him.”

“But you two have a bond…a…what did you call it? A profound bond right?

“That was before. Not anymore.”

It was his turn to sigh. “So there’s no chance to convince you to stay then?”

“Sadly, no.”

<>

“Yes, I would like to make a reservation for tonight. For two.”

“Ask if you can have a corner table or booth,” he advised the nervous ex-angel. 

“Do you have a corner booth?  Oh…no booths…uh, yes, a table. Corner. A table in a corner. A window?” Cas looked at him again. He nodded, Dean likes to see what’s coming in and out. And keep an eye on the car. “Yes, a window table will be good. Special occasion…yes, yes it is. An anniversary…yes, thank you…yes, it’s a surprise…thank you.”

He smiled at Cas, who fidgeted in the one bed suite he had just reserved. It’s a step up, well, a small step up from the room they’ve been in the past week. The Honeymoon Suite certainly has a bigger bed, a California King from the looks of it. From the way he sank into it sitting down, Dean is going to love this. The view of the parking lot is a bummer, but he doubts those two won’t really mind. In fact, as he got up from the bed, he knows very well what view his brother and angel will be enjoying. “So when will Dean be back?”

“He had to drop off the twins back to their parents place. Abbi and Gail want to stay there for a while after everything that has happened. It’s about an hour away.”

“Yeah, I don’t blame them.” Having your twin sister being impersonated by a shifter while waiting to be eaten by a werewolf can be shocking. But if it wasn’t for the bond the twins had, the case would’ve taken longer to solve. Gail lead them to Abbi, who was just about to be killed, using a nifty spell Cas came up with. Good thing too, since both women were, to quote Dean ‘fine as hell’. That remark earned him a glare for his boyfriend. He on the other hand, was very much single and wouldn’t have minded taking them back, but Cas needed Dean gone to set up everything. So he sacrificed his ‘chance’ to let his brother and Cas have a good anniversary date. 

“Neither do I. But I have learned humans are adept at adapting.” Cas looked at his phone, “should I message Dean now or later?”

“Give it a half hour.” He already put Dean’s bag in here, and let the Fed suit out so he can change quickly. Hopefully Dean wouldn’t gripe too much until the restaurant, where Cas will give him his gift. He’s hinted at Dean for weeks that Cas deserves something nice, to go on an actual date with the guy. He didn’t want to spoil Cas’s surprise, but it’s not fair to Cas who’s putting all this work into their relationship. The angel deserves something nice. 

As much as he loves his brother and Cas, he’s not going to stick around the motel tonight. No, he’s going to treat himself to a movie, a nice quiet dinner, relax and unwind from this hunt. That’s his gift to them, and to himself, but really to deprive Dean of a ways of getting out of this date. He’s tired of being the third wheel whenever they go out…or being the referee. “Got everything you need?”

“Yes, I believe so,” Cas smiled, a bit jittery but mostly happy. “Thank you for everything Sam.”

“No problem. You two have fun!” 

 

<>

 

"You have everything?" he asked as he closed the trunk on the gold Cadillac. He loaded some of their surplus weapons in the newly hidden compartment. Cas had made it clear he wasn't going to lead a 'normal' life. Other than the weapons, Cas was only taking some of his clothes and basic necessities. It did not escape his notice that the clothes Cas was leaving behind were the ones Dean had lent him. 

Cas looked up and then around the garage as if he was trying to imprint the image of the bunker forever into his mind. Perhaps he was. "I believe so." Leveling his eyes on him, he could see the turmoil in his friend's eyes. "Is it wise to leave without telling Dean?"

He sucked his lips in want of delaying what he thought. If Cas waited for Dean to return and told him he was leaving, his brother was going to argue. Argue as in he's going to shout and say something he's going to regret. "Yeah, it's best you go before he gets back."

"I see," Cas replied with downcast eyes. 

"You're always welcome here Cas. And it's not like we're not going to see you." Hopefully. 

Before Cas can reply, they both turned to the driveway as a familiar rumble came down. 'Shit,' he thought as ran the odds of how this is going to turn out in his head. Now they are going to have to explain to Dean why Cas was leaving and that was going to bring a shitstorm with it. Fuck. Cas looked at him with both surprise and then what could be assumed to be terror. Those blue eyes desperately searched for guidance on what to do next. All he could do as the sleek Impala parked beside the Cadillac was shrug. Seeing that, Cas let out a deep sigh and resigned himself to what was sure a very unpleasant conversation. 

Dean climbed out of his beloved baby and looked first at him, then Cas and finally at the Cadillac. As his gaze went over the gold body a frown deepened on his face as an eyebrow went slightly up. For a moment, silence was all that could be heard in the garage. "Going somewhere," Dean asked in low gruff voice. 

In another moment of eternity where they all exchanged looks like they were in a staring Mexican standoff. It was Cas who spoke first. "I'm leaving the bunker Dean."

"Leaving? Why?" Dean asked as his brow furrowed. To answer, Cas looked down at the concrete. "You don't like it here?" Dean asked in a softer haltering voice. 

"I do...but," Cas replied as he lifted his head, his eyes trying to hide his remorse,"it is better if I moved out."

Dean stepped closer to Cas but stopped after second, debating if he should. Clearly Dean and Cas were just focusing on each other, with he himself an outsider, watching. "What is it this time Cas? Some holy mission from Heaven?" The tone Dean used was that of man trying to understand, his confusion and worry coloring his question. 

"No. There is no mission or case." Cas said flatly. 

"Then why the fuck do you need to move out then?" Dean asked frustrated. "Or do like to just up and disappear for the hell of it?" Snickering, "cause that's your MO isn't it?" 

Cas took umbrage to that evidently. "I never leave unless I have a reason or am forced to Dean."

"So what is it? Cause I thought I made it clear that you that you can stay here. I thought," Dean gulped, "I thought you wanted to be here man." The pendulum of his brothers emotions was surely swaying a lot right now. In a weird sense, he felt pity because Dean was so dense and emotionally confused that he couldn't realize the truth. 

"I do," Cas replied, in no better state than Dean. Straightening up though, Cas closed his eyes and let out a held breath. "I just...need to make it out there."

"You don't need to do that Cas. I know you can make it out there from the last time."

"I recall that perfectly well," Cas paused and then added, "and I remember why too."

"Oh c'mon Cas! You know why I did that! For Sam!" 

"I know that. Though I could've helped you still!"

"You know I couldn't risk it! So don't try to guilt trip me that shit Cas." Dean spat back before taking a second to collect himself. "Level with me man, why do you want to leave? Is it something you want? Need? Do you want more space or a better bed or something?" Dean stepped closer with open arms, "c'mon Cas, what is it? Please?"

Cas turned away before slowly coming back with a forlorn look. "There is...something I do want...I cannot have it though. Please Dean, this is best for both of us."

"Best for both of us? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And last I checked, you're not me so don't think to decide what's best for me Cas." Crossing his arms, Dean looked up at the ceiling and continued to do so as he spoke. "Is there someone else? Er...I mean, is it...ah, something like that?" Dean looked back down, but pointedly away from looking at Cas himself. 

Cas arched his eyebrow. "No, there is no one...else." Dean looked relieved at that, looking back at the ex-angel. "Dean, I do not need to explain myself. I am thankful for all you and Sam have done for me. I truly am, please don't doubt that. It is...well, I think it's best I move out."

"Dammit Cas, you owe me an explanation at least!" Pointing to himself, "is it something that I did...or didn't do? I can change it, whatever it is Cas. I swear!"

Shaking his head, "it's not that simple Dean. But this is one reason why..we always argue!"

"About what?!?" a bewildered Dean asked. 

"Everything!" Cas nearly shouted back. "Or it's my poor taste in, well, everything, or a faux pas I didn't know about or something I don't know like how to cook chicken...I... I don't like arguing with you Dean."

"Okay okay...I get that I can be an ass sometimes Cas." Understatement of the year in his opinion, but Dean admitting that is a bonafide miracle he thought. "But I can change...promise. It's not bad here all the time is it?" 

After a moment, Cas begrudged Dean an answer. "It is not. But I still stand by my choice."

Clearly not what he wanted to hear, Dean threw up his arms. "Okay, what the fuck Cas! I don't get why you're so hellbent on leaving me again."

"Contrary to what you believe Dea, I am not leaving you. I am just moving out."

"Same goddamn thing Cas!"

Cas's nostrils flared, "what do you care Dean? We work better when we're not around each other constantly. You have to admit that we do."

"That's not the same!"

"Again, why does it matter then!?!"

"I care because...because I need you to be here Cas!"

"Why?!?!" 

"Because I fucking love you and I'm scared that you'll leave for good alright!" Dean shouted. 

He blinked and thought he should pinch himself. No way Dean, his emotionally constipated, uber macho brother said something like that. From the heavy silence in the garage, it was clear that none of them were expecting to hear that. Cas himself was wide-eyed and had his mouth slightly agape at the confession. Dean seemed frozen. At least, for a minute before he promptly turned around, got into the Impala and backed up faster than is needed up the driveway. 

It took him a while, but he was able to track Dean down. First he had to check all the local bars, all two of them. Since he wasn't there, he checked the small market in town. Sure enough, the cashier told him that his brother bought himself a bottle of whiskey and a twelve pack. From that point, it was just a matter of finding where Dean would hole himself and drink himself stupid. 

Thankfully Kansas is wonderfully flat and there is only so many roads Dean could hide himself in. Of course, Kansas is pretty big and finding the right road is the big problem. Insider knowledge knew Dean would probably find a place with a pond or lake, preferably with some woods. Hunter instincts left them both with uneasy in a place with no cover. There was also the chance Dean might drive far away, but he doesn't think so in this case. His gut told him Dean would stay close.

And he was right. Dean was only a half hour away parked in a public road near White Rock Creek. As he drove the Cadillac down the dusty road, he mused on what to talk about. After Dean abruptly left, Cas was left stunned. So much so, that he had to guide Cas back to his room and told him to stay in the bunker. Cas just nodded in acknowledgement, but never looked at him. Instead, Cas was silent except for the faint whisper of 'he loves me' from the ex-angel. While Cas was dazed, he took the car keys to A) search for Dean and B) keep Cas from going away.

Being it was only late afternoon in the late spring, Dean was sitting against the Impala under shade, looking over the small creek. As he walked over after parking his car, he saw that two bottles of beer were already gone and at least several shots of whiskey have been drunk. He'd only been gone for maybe an hour and a half. Not exactly a lot by their standards, but plain to him that Dean wants to get to that numb buzz as quickly as he can. 

Instead of speaking, he just planted himself next to his brother and opened a beer. Cool bittersweet beer refreshed him as he waited for a moment when to start. What Dean said back in the bunker was probably the first time he had ever admitted that he loved Cas. More than a friend, closer than a brother kind of love. It's one that Cas knew for a long while and one he himself suspected as well. And apparently, on a subconscious level, so did Dean. 

One thing about Dean Winchester that a lot of people get wrong is that he isn't just some good looking flirt or a merciless hunter. Dean is a man who loves deeply, but carefully. Always had. The flirting, the promiscuity, the machoness was an armor that Dean wore out of necessity. It wasn't so much their father, but really their mother that taught Dean that. Dad loved them, in his own way, but he was so hell bent on revenge that he couldn't be emotionally available for either of them. For him, Dean was his emotional anchor when he was growing up. Maybe now it was his turn.

The sun dipped lower before he spoke. "You know I'm still your brother Dean and I'll always accept you." Dean humphed and opened the whisky bottle, taking a swig from it before putting it back down. He didn't offer him any, not that he would accept. "Why do you think he's moving out Dean?"

"Beats me," Dean replied. "Don't care if he wants to go or not. We're not his parents or anything." His tone was cool, but with a hint of pain. Another swig from the whisky bottle. 

"He loves you too you know," he said in a low voice before taking a drink. 

"Huh," was all he heard in reply. 

Change of tactics. "He is right. You two have been arguing a lot when you both are in the bunker."

He heard a deep sigh, "I know."

"When were on a hunt in Louisiana, he took an interest in trying a lot of new food." He waited a moment before he went on. "I wonder who gave him that idea."

"It's Louisiana. You have to try the food down there. It's required. Everyone knows that."

"Cas didn't."

"Well, he's smarter than he looks," Dean mumbled as he reached for one of the last beers. Popping the cap, he went back to gazing at the wide landscape before them. 

"You told him," he said trying to coax more conversation from Dean. Dean might hate these 'touchy-feely' moments, but he hasn't shut this one down yet.

"Might've..." 

"I know you did."

"He tell you?" 

"Didn't need to. You're the only one he talks to." He let that one stew for a few moments. 

"Where is he going?" his brother finally asked as he put down the beer and picked up the whiskey.

"Nowhere. I have the car," he answered. The bottle halted from reaching his brothers lips. Slowly, Dean put it back down. 

"So he's still at the bunker?"

"Yeah. And he won't go if you ask him."

"I did ask him Sam!" Dean said in a raised voice. 

"Maybe if you ask him again," he suggested.

"Ask him again? ASK HIM AGAIN! What the hell would I ask him again Sam! If he doesn't want to stay, then he doesn't want to stay! I'm not holding him back!" Dean got up and brushed off the dirt from his jeans. He only walked to the tree, where he stopped and looked up at the lush green foliage. "All he does is save my sorry ass and leave. That's how it's always been," Dean said in softer voice. "Why should this be any different?"

Pushing himself upwards, he stood where he sat, not wanting to seem like he was pushing Dean with his presence. "Maybe this time he wants to stay because he can stay. But it turned out harder than he expected."

Dean spun around to face him, "Harder? What was harder this time? This time we ain't got any impending apocalypse or some demon on our asses. All the angels are upstairs, Hell's running smoothly for once, and everything else is as normal as it can get. What the hell is harder this time Sammy 'cause I seriously don't have a fucking clue!"

In the face of the anger Dean was letting out, he could only smile in pity. As his brothers glare demanded an answer, he answered. "Unrequited love."

"Un-what again?" Dean asked making a confused face. He knew full well Dean understood what he said, now he is just playing dumb.

"Unrequited love Dean," he explained as he reached down for his almost empty beer. "Cas loves you. But he doesn't know, or didn't until now, if you felt the same. Think about it Dean. What is harder than having someone you want forever out of reach and reminded of that everyday?" His brother ran his hand down his face and looked at him, asking with his eyes if what he said was true. "He does. I don't think he understood it until recently himself to be honest. But now that he does, he feels it would be better if he moved out. To protect you and himself."

"Protect him from what? I'm not against Cas liking dudes. I don't judge." 

"Yeah...but what about him liking you? Seriously Dean. If Cas just up and said 'I love you' would you be okay with that?"

"I...well, I'd be..." he could see Dean thinking hard about it, his turmoil showing plain on his face. "I honestly don't know Sam. Part of me is cool with that, but another part...it isn't."

"Is it because Cas is a guy?" 

Dean looked back at him like he asked a stupid question. "What? No!"

"Then what is it Dean?" He was putting Dean on the spot, but maybe if they plow through it, the better.

"It's...it's...it's just Cas!" his brother blurted out. "Cas doesn't deserve someone like me. I'm just a hunter whose friends end up dead sooner or later. In his case, multiple times! Dude sacrifices him for me, me dammit, and for what? For me to fuck it up again? No...I don't deserve anyone like that."

"That's not your call to make Dean."

"The hell it is Sam! Look at Lisa! Cassie! Hell, even Charlie. Every person I love ends up either dead or leaving me. I ain't worth shit Sam!" Dean walked over and picked up the whiskey which he quickly opened and took a long pull from it. 

'Oh no you're not', he thought as he pried the bottle from Dean and dumped the rest of it on the ground. "What the fuck Sam?"

Something inside him snapped. "You are NOT drinking this one away Dean. I know how messed up you get whenever we lose track of him. I know that you don't want him to go. You know you know. I'm tired of being a referee between you two too! Don't think this is just between you and him either. You're my brother and he is my friend too. I care about you both but sometimes...ugh, you make me want to punch you both! Seriously! On one hand I have a clueless but in love ex-angel and the other a 'no chick flick moment' brother with low self-esteem! And I live with you both and I gotta tell you man, this is not working for any of us! So I'm going to tell you what to do Dean and you're going to do it." 

Judging by his wide eyes, he's going to assume that Dean is not going to deny him his orders. Finally. "I'm going to drive us both to the bunker. You," he jabbed a finger into Dean," are going to apologize to Cas. Kiss him or whatever, I don't care. Both of you are going to figure this thing out. Tonight. Do you understand?" Dean nodded. "Good. Now get in the damn car."

<>

He drove the Impala, not trusting Dean’s sobriety or his commitment to seeing this through. He can always come back to get Cas’s car after Dean and him have a little talk. Arriving at the bunker, he called for Cas, who still looked like he was stuck in a daze, to the library. In no uncertain terms, he sat both men down, told them to man up or else, and left. 

Figuring it would be easier for all parties, he took the Impala, mostly out of insurance so Dean can’t run, and went for a drive himself. As night approached a couple hours later, he turned around and headed back home. All during his drive, which was hardly relaxing as he had hoped, his phone didn't ring once. No calls, no messages, no nothing. That was either a good sign, which is rare, or a bad sign, which was more likely. As he guided the sleek black car into its space, he sat there for a moment thinking what to do. 

Seeing no point in staying in the car, he mustered the will to see how those two are doing now. First he went to the library, which was empty, but not destroyed. Good sign. Then the kitchen, where there was no one, but two dirty dishes indicated that the men ate together. Another good sign. Dead silence was not a good sign at all though. He could either head to the other parts of the bunker, like the shooting range or storage rooms, where he might find them. Or there was the more likely, but somewhat uncomfortable option of going to the bedrooms, which were, closer. Rationally, he should check there first. Irrationally, he feared what he would find.

Again summoning up enough willpower, he took the latter choice. As he walked in the tiled hallway towards Cas’s room, he did truly wonder how their little talk went. The outcome of whatever the result would be would certainly affect them all. They work well as a team as it is right now, but, good or bad, the dynamic will be different. Now it’s Dean and Sam with Cas, it could soon be Dean  _ with _ Cas and Sam. Emphasis makes a difference. 

Cas’s door was open so he went there first, passing Dean’s door. All he needed to do was peer quickly into the spartan room. Lacking any persons, he turned around and walked the three strides down to Dean’s room, the door of which was closed. Timidly, he knocked softly. A soft shuffle was barely heard through the thick door, but evidence that there was someone in there. “Dean? Cas?” he called out in soft voice. Another shuffle but no answer. “You guys in there?” Nothing was heard so he put his hand on the knob, “I’m opening the door,” he announced as he slowly opened the door. 

First he saw the far wall, lit with the lamp that he couldn’t see yet. As the door opened more, he saw the edge of the bed, then the rumpled blankets. ‘Oh god’, he prayed, hoping not to see what he dreaded to see. A foot appeared as the door opened, then another. Stopping there, he followed the foot to the leg it was attached to, covered still in a blanket.  _ ‘’Whew’ _ he thought as he continued his gaze upward. The blanket ended but he saw Dean’s dark henly...with an arm around his waist. Following the arm, he saw Cas smiling wide at him as he pulled Dean, who was fast asleep, to him.  He opened his mouth but Cas’s arm left Dean and made lifted a finger to his mouth. Looking at his sleeping but rather content brother, he smiled back at Cas and backed away from the door. 

As he closed the wooden door behind him, he smirked. “I guess it went alright then.” 

<>

The click of the A/C fan turning and its accompanying rustle of the plastic panels covering the windows woke him up. Loath as he was to admit, he’d gotten used to sleeping in his own room. A lifetime of living in the pocket of his brother used to make alone time for him a rare indulgence. Now the opposite is true, it’s rare for him and Dean to share a room. Especially since he and Cas sleep, well, not really sleep, but share a bed now. Yeah, no. One can try, but there’s no real quiet way to have sex. As he got out of bed, he pulled his phone off the charger to see any messages or alerts pop up. Seeing nothing, he placed it back on the bed as he got his running stuff in order. 

After limbering up in the room, he opened the door to the sunny, yet frigid air. The cold air snapped at the exposed skin of his arms and legs, but as soon as he got running, he’ll be fine. Hitting play on his iPod, he took off following the deserted road. As the burn in his lungs and legs became comfortable and the high a run gave coursed through him, he wondered what the future had store for him. For them all. Sure, there are plenty of monsters out there to hunt. And there are other hunters, new hunters who need to learn the ropes. Yet, going on these long trips...researching long hours...faking credit cards and hustling….it’s not a life to lead forever. Hell, even Bobby, Pastor Jim and scores of others made a home base and left the driving hunts to younger hunters. 

For all intents and purposes, the bunker is their home now he realized. They’ve been operating out of it for the past couple of years. In fact,  _ he _ is kinda like the new Bobby. Surrounded by books and always reading, and not just for work but for kicks! At the same time though, Bobby ran a salvage yard to make an honest income. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to keep him, and by extension, he and Dean, afloat. He had dabbled with the idea of maybe getting a real job, to make actual money, when they weren’t hunting. 

Truth be told though, he was starting to feel like a third wheel now. He and Dean still went on hunt while Cas stayed behind, but that was rare in the past year. Usually Dean took Cas, while he might go solo on a hunt or just stay home. Even when they were all back at the bunker, the two lovebirds were always close to each other. Dean tuning up the Impala while Cas detail.s Cas cooks as Dean bakes. Dean cleans the guns as Cas makes salt rounds. As domestic and nice as that was...he was the one on the outside. Not that he minded, nor should he since I kinda is responsible for starting it...but, hey, sacrifice is what they do he reminded himself as he slowed to a brisk jog. 

An album later, he stopped at the edge of the parking lot of the motel and too a few deep breathes. A tired but good ache emanated from every part of his body, but he felt good. A hot shower and a light breakfast is all he would need for the journey back the bunker. Looking at his watch as he fished for the key, he guessed that at least Dean would be up. After he cleaned up, he’ll head over to their room.

<>

Refreshed and clean, he locked the door behind him. As he walked to the other side of the tan worn down motel, he scanned the parking lot. “Huh,” he spoke aloud as he did not see the Impala anywhere. Odd, but Dean might’ve gone out to get breakfast. Did he see the car when he went for his jog? Knocking on the door to the honeymoon suite, he smiled as he mentally prepared himself for what was sure to be an overshare from Cas’s part. Not that he minded...much. 

The door did not open after a minute, so he knocked again. “Cas?” he called out through the door. Looking back to the parking lot, he wondered if the two of them went off for breakfast without him. Jerks. He tried one more time before he reached for the door handle. Surprisingly, it wasn’t locked. “Hey, I’m coming in,” he warned as he opened the door. Hearing nothing, he stepped into the room. 

First, the bed wasn’t touched at all. Pristine with faded pink pillows and worn comforter. Second, Cas was asleep on the chair, still dressed from last night. His head on the wood table with the flowers he bought at the last minute still in his hand. Third, there was no sign of Dean. 

‘Shit,’ he cursed to himself as he walked next to Cas. Shaking him gently, Cas snapped awake, his reddened eyes looking about quickly as he murmured, “Dean?” The sadness and hurt in his voice apparent, it only was made worse when Cas saw that it was him and not his brother that woke him. Cas rubbed his eyes with his free hand while he still clutched the flowers to hide his disappointment. He stepped back, not sure what to make of all this.

“You okay Cas? Did-”

Cas shook his head, lowered now so he can’t see his face. “No. Dean never came back.”

He took out his phone, “did you try to call him? Text?” Worry began to build inside him. He began to swipe his phone to unlock it.  

At this, Cas did look at him, “I did. I left several voicemails and text messages.” On his face, he can see the worry and wounded pride. He could sense the feeling of failure emanating from his friend. “He wouldn’t answer.” 

“Wouldn’t or couldn’t?” he asked as hit call on his phone, wondering what the hell happened to his brother. It had to be no more than a hour to drop the twins off. Weather is fine, nothing was after them from what he knew...though at this point, just about anything and everyone had an excuse to come for them. Maybe Dean had gotten into an accident...wait no, if he had been, they would’ve reached out to them...unless he’s in a ditch...all these scenarios ran through his head as his phone made the annoying yet cruel dial tone to connect. 

“Yeah?” he heard Dean from the speaker of his phone in a voice that with one word, made him worried. It wasn’t an annoyed ‘yeah’ or tired, drunk or indifferent. This is the tone that was gilded with guilt and pain. Cas heard it too as their eyes meet, as if either had the answer. 

“Uh...where are you?” he asked simply. 

“Not far out, be there in a couple.”

“Okay..wher-”

“Be ready to go,” Dean cut him off before hanging up. He looked at his phone puzzled and now doubly worried. What the hell? Something isn’t right. For a moment, he and Cas just stood where they were, both trying to make heads and tails of what is happening. 

Yet, he felt the need to apologize for his brother to Cas. The poor guy looked like he stayed up all night waiting for Dean, who never showed. “I’m sorry Cas, you had everything planned out for a good time.” Cas looked up at him, still clutching the flowers in his left hand. Being stood up by your partner has to hurt. “I hope he has a good excuse,” he faked smiled, hoping to lift his friend clearly flagging spirit, “I’m sure he does.” Cas just tilted his head toward the window, his attempt a failure. 

An awkward silence fell between them, with naught to do but wonder what happened last night. If it was the old Dean, he’d probably went for a drink, got wasted...or lucky, and slept in the car. But that was the  _ old  _ Dean. Since he and Cas started to officially date, Dean hadn’t even gone on a bender. In fact, the only time they’re at a bar now is to hustle or to gather intel. So it can’t be that? “You know what Cas, I’m going to get my stuff and come back here.” He walked over to pat Cas’ shoulder, “I’m sure he has a good reason.” ‘ _ I hope,’ _ he thought. 

A slight nod was all he got before he went out the door. He walked slow as to waste time, see if he can intercept his brother before he goes in the room. If there is one thing that sets Dean off, it’s a mopey Cas, even if he himself is the cause of it. He was near his room when a familiar engine reached his ears. As the Impala parked he jogged over to the car, reaching it as Dean came out. “Dean! Where the hell were you-” he began to ask before he noticed it. 

His brother knew he saw it, there was no way he was going to cover this up. Even with his collars turned up and his head leaning low, he could still make them out. A flash of anger came over him as he somehow found himself holding Dean up against the Impala as he confirmed what he saw. “Fuck Dean!” he said in disgust as he pushed himself away. More expletives flowed from him as he looked around bewildered, not believing what his brother had committed. Dean for his part, held his head down low in shame, the line of hickeys plain to see. “Really Dean! Really!,” he yelled, “how can you do this to Cas?” 

“I...it just…” Dean said as he raised his head, his features crestfallen, in an attempt to meet his eyes. If the anger in his heart is as hot as it is, then he knows it is shining through since Dean couldn’t maintain contact no more than a mere second. Instead, Dean turned his torso, lifting his arm to run his hand on the back of his head, running it through sex mussed hair. “I fucked up alright?,” he admitted, his back still turned. 

“That’s an understatement Dean.” he huffed as he glanced in the direction of Cas’ room. This was going to wound the ex-angel more than any weapon or torture. And on their anniversary of all days! ‘ _ Oh God,”  _ he wondered with pity, how are they...or he rather, going to break this to Cas? He can’t let Dean do that...or should he? A glance back at Dean, who’s back was still to him, thought it would be best for Dean to face the consequences of his actions immediately. On the other hand...can Cas handle it? Being human has forced Cas to being more emotional than he ever has. It doesn’t help either when Dean makes up the brunt of his emotional stability. He can see it now...if the pining after Dean was terrible enough...what the hell would infidelity do to him? 

Nothing good, that much is for certain. Yet, as much as he loves both his brother and Cas, this is  _ their _ relationship. He’ll be caught in the fallout no matter what, but it is Dean's’ responsibility to fess up. “You’re gonna have to tell him,” he ordered, putting all the authority in his voice. “You’re going to tell Cas Dean.”

At this, Dean did turn around, his face hard-set, nodding in agreement. “Right...uh...where is he?”

Surprised, but oddly proud that Dean was not defending himself at all, he pointed to the honeymoon suite. “Room 200, at the far end. I’ll...go and get my stuff.” As Dean passed by, he grabbed his brother's shoulder, stopping him. “Dean…” he spoke not knowing why, he and Dean making eye contact. He saw the pain, and they both knew this was not going to be pretty for any of them. Letting go, he softened his voice, “just be...gentle?”

With that, they parted. 

<>

An hour passed. He packed his stuff, checked out of the room, packed his bag in the Impala, which Dean had fortuitously left unlocked. An attempt of reading the news was really just a pretense to look busy. Inside his mind he was going over the possible scenarios that might come from Dean cheating. Cas might be new to the whole range of human emotions, but he is also a millennia old being. Also Dean seemed genuinely distraught, pained and clearly knowing he was in the wrong. Which is a good starting point, but to what?

A caught glimpse of movement caught his attention from the suite and he focused his eyes there. Cas came out first, his posture stiff and deliberate. In one hand he had his duffel, the other free through clenched so tight that he can see the white of his knuckles from the car of which he was standing by. As Cas reached the bottom of the stairs, Dean exited. One hand covered his left eye and it seem he was holding something. His brother looked longingly at Cas as the ex-angel approached the car, before he moved to down the stairs, his back bent and head low. 

Cas at this point was at the Impala, and opened the back door without even a glance to him. Throwing in his bag, Cas wordlessly entered the car after which he closed the door with a little bit more force than needed. Obviously, he was going to ride shotgun and that meant things didn’t go well. Not that they should have...but, well, time to see what happened. Looking back at Dean, who was going to the office to drop off the keys from the looks of it, he opened the passenger side door and got in. As he slid into the familiar leather, he looked at the rear at Cas. 

Cas kept his gaze forward, not even acknowledging his entry, his blue eyes watery, but so cold. He couldn’t discern if there was pain or anger...those normally deep blue are now akin to the deep ocean, unfathomable and apathetic. Tense muscles held his jaw in a tight neutral form, his lips a hard line. No expression, no sound, no movement. His question on how Cas is doing rendered unneeded, because for all intents and purposes, Cas may as well be a statue. So clear his withdrawal, he turned to look forward himself and watch in silence as Dean now approached them. 

Dean opened his door, and he could now see what he had over his eye as his brother entered, which was an ice pack. The swelling and redness around his eye told him that it wasn’t a non-violent talk. Not unwarranted, but brotherly concern still demands that he feel a little sympathy for Dean. As Dean turned the key, he stole a quick glance back at Cas. A tear fell down his check as he turned his head out the window while the radio began to croon, fittingly, about heartbreak. 

<>

Silence has a way of being the most deafening sound ever. Maybe it is because silence is the hand that lifts the armor against the outside world, forcing you to hear what is inside yourself. That is perhaps why many people find it uncomfortable in long stretches. An entire day of it was almost enough to drive him to insanity. Cas and Dean both were silent, obviously not talking to each other, and neither couldn’t ignore the other if they talked to him. A Mexican standoff of who was going to talk first went on ‘til they reached the bunker late that evening, no one brave enough to tackle the issue. 

As soon as the Impala was parked in the garage, Cas immediately left and took his duffel with him down the hall toward the rooms. Dean on his left sat still behind the wheel, hands still gripping the wheel, not moving at all. Dean would never start a talk that he needed to let out, so he made the first move. “So...what happened?” 

“How do you think it went Sam!” his brother snapped, his bruised eye apparent now that Dean had turned his face. The stoic face from the long drive now gone and in its place is one of anger and self loathing. Dean hit the steering wheel in frustration before he closed his eyes and let out a forced breathe. A bit more calm after a moment, Dean went on. “I came in and I saw him with those stupid flowers in his hand with that stupid sad look and...fuck! I didn’t know Sam...I...I didn’t know he was planning shit to do.”

“You forgot that’s it’s been a year since you two...uh, got together?” he asked in a demulcent voice. As he figured, and Cas did as well, that Dean wouldn’t remember how long they’ve been together. In fact, they counted on it, so he couldn’t really hold it against his brother. 

“Yeah...a year. Seems that the best I can do isn’t Sam? I can’t keep a relationship for more than that can’t I before it goes to shit?” Dean looked ahead to the cement wall of the garage, “Lisa...Cassie...Cas,” Dean turned to him, “even you.”

“We’re brothers Dean,” he answered, “us two? We’re different, and yeah, we have our ups and downs. But we work through them...hell, didn’t we get past the whole Gadreel thing? And hey, Cas and you made up before. Sure, you messed up big time…”

“Big time Sam...I did…” A tear escaped from Dean’s uninjured eye. “Did you know what he was planning?”

“I did...he asked me for pointers.” 

Dean looked at him with hard eyes, ones that demanded the truth. “No, I mean did you  _ know _ what he was going to do?”

He furrowed his brow at the question, “all I know is that Cas was going to ask you to dinner, got you a present and the big honeymoon suite. I swear...that’s all I knew.” 

Dean seemed to accept that answer and nodded, wiping away the tears trail with back of his hand. “Okay...well, did you know what he got me?”

“No?”

Running his hand over his mouth, the sound of stubble rough as Dean looked again away from him. Knowing his brother as well as he did, he knew this was a delaying action, that whatever it is hard for Dean to let out. Finally, in a near whisper, Dean told him. “He got me a ring Sammy.” 

That floored him, the sudden intake of air into his lungs as his mind reeled in the implications. “Was...was he going to propose?”

“Yeah...he was,” Dean admitted, his voice now shakey. “When I walked in, we didn’t say anything at first. I said I was sorry first, then he asked why.” Dean took a deep breathe, “I told him that when I dropped the twins off, they offered me a drink...well, it doesn’t really matter now. I got swept up in the moment, both of them…”

“Did you tell them you were with someone,” he asked, offended. 

At this Dean looked remorseful, “I don’t know why…but I didn’t. It felt...nice. It’s like I missed the, uh, women...I missed being with women.”

“You didn’t tell Cas that did you? Please tell me you didn’t tell him that Dean.” 

Dean choked up then, “I...I did. And that’s when he gave me this,” pointing to his eye. “I...we, uh, Cas asked if even thought of him when I was with them. And honestly, I don’t think I did until it was all over.” Another tear slipped free, “we were drinking...but I wasn’t drunk. Until afterwards, then I did feel guilty as hell, so-”

“You got totally wasted didn’t you?” 

Admitting that he did with a brisk nod, Dean swiped again to clear his face, though welled tears were visible. “I sobered up...left in the early morning...I, uh, drove around a bit. Sammy,” Dean turned to him, “you should’ve seen his face...the…” Dean sniffled, trying to remain composed and failing, “then he pulled out this box and shoved it at me. Told me to open it. And...it was a ring...silver...plain, but” Dean swollowed and closed his eyes, tears held back flowed free, “inside, it said ‘I did it all for you’.” The last few words were a murmur as the last contol Dean had collapsed. The pain was too much and Dean broke down, pity moved him to embrace his brother. Dean held onto him in their one true home, muffled ‘I broke it’ and ‘sorry, so sorry’ spoke into his shoulder. 

If Dean was brought down this low...how the hell is Cas doing? 

 


End file.
